My heart was racing as I approached the school. My daughter hadn’t gotten the message to take the bus home. My son came home and told me she didn’t get on the bus. Immediately, I got my shoes on and went to get her. When I finally arrived, I looked at Karoline and she burst into tears. She had been holding it in but as soon as she saw me they just poured out of her eyes. There was no holding back. They were tears of relief. I hadn’t forgotten her.
I know my daughter well and I knew she would be uptight about the mix-up. My only concern was that she didn’t feel forgotten. I’m not sure what was going through her mind as she waited for me, but I know she figured out quickly something was wrong. She was in the car line waiting and her brother wasn’t there. I’m sure she went through all of the scenarios in her head. Perhaps her brother went home sick. Maybe he was staying after school. As that final car came through the line her last hope vanished. I wasn’t there as I said I would be.
I have been in my daughter’s position more than once. Life is going crazy and I’m trying to keep my composure. I go through all of the things God could be doing. I wonder if He knows what He’s doing. I wonder if He sees my stress. I ask what is His divine purpose? Then I desperately try to convince myself that God is in control and I am not. The slightest apprehension fills my heart as I consider the possibility that my God has forgotten about me. From there, the doubt continues to grow until He shows up. He always shows up. When He does, relief washes over me and the tears begin to flow.
Watching my daughter in that short little while was so eye-opening to me. Honestly, I could clearly see myself in her reaction. But there was a part of me that was just a little wounded. I knew where she was and I knew she was safe, but Karoline doubted that. She was afraid I had forgotten her. There was a part of her that didn’t trust me. I was aware and in control (relatively speaking) the whole time. She was never in any danger because I knew exactly where she was. She didn’t need to feel abandoned. I wonder if God feels that way when I doubt Him. I wonder if He feels the least bit of sorrow when my distrust takes over. I imagine He does.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him; my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42:11 NIV)
Father in heaven,
Forgive me when I fail to trust. Thank you for always loving me. I take comfort in the fact that I am never far from your grasp. May I always rest in You knowing You will never leave me or forsake me.