I had a really great time with the Lord this morning. My mind was focused on the things that I wanted to pray about. The Bible study I did really made me think. My time with the Lord was not clouded but it almost seemed like a cloud has been lifted. This cloud has been a heavy one and has seemed to inhibit my time with Him lately. It seems like I have really struggled to see what God is doing but I don’t think He was trying to hide anything. What was happening was that I had put my intentions, my expectations and my way ahead of His. I had made up my mind about certain things and remained stiff-necked about them. But today, because I chose to see things God’s way, everything seemed more focused.
I have been struggling for several months with a particular situation. In my mind, I had this desire that I believed was from God, but it never came to pass. So, I gave up. I decided that I was no longer going to deal with it and walked away. I was not going to be Mrs. Hopeful any longer. I was going to use my strength on other things. It was time to move on. And so I tried. I tried to put it out of my mind but instead it was on my mind continually. I was having a hard time sleeping and certainly a hard time concentrating. But I insisted that my mind was made up and that I was no longer going to put myself out there. It was time to be done. I was so frustrated with the situation for so long that I finally threw up my hands and gave up.
Then God came in and changed my heart. He reminded me that my life was about Him and not about me. He reminded me that He understands my frustrations and the desires of my heart are from Him. Just because I walk away doesn’t mean He has too. He continues to work even when I’ve turned my back on the situation. And while I sat under this cloud for so many weeks, thinking I knew what I wanted, God knew better. He was still moving in the situation. While I took a hiatus, He was diligently working.
“Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain.” (Psalm 127:1)
This was the scripture my Bible study focused on this morning. I realized that I have been building my house on my frustration. I have intentionally, every day laid brick after brick of stubbornness until I had build myself this lovely little wall. And God let me. He let me labor in vain. He let me think my thoughts. He let me drag those heavy bricks and heave one on top of another. It’s hard work being stubborn. Each day you feel like you have to guard yourself so that you won’t be moved. After all, if you do, you might be perceived as weak. Once you make up your mind, you can’t change it. That would take humility. I was having none of it and so I stacked those bricks and made a nice little place for myself. Or so I thought.
You know, the desire of my heart is to always honor God. I want Him to lead my life. I want His desires to be mine. I want to have a heart like His. But lately, I just wasn’t feeling it. Then, out of the blue (humpf) God started to knock down this little wall. I let Him. My behavior changed but my heart was still hard. I know my attitude had changed a little but I was still holding on to my stubbornness even though I acted like everything was alright. Isn’t it funny how we can hide our true feelings from others, thinking those feelings are righteous? But God knows our hearts. He also knows that some things take time. And so, slowly but surely, He has helped me see His side of things. He has refocused my heart and my mind in order to see His perspective.
Once again this post is not what I had intended. But the point I’m trying to make is that God is always working. Even in my frustration and when I walked away thinking there was no hope, God was working. Although I had taken a break, out of frustration, He did not. He worked and worked as He does because He doesn’t give up like we do. Even when I stopped praying and hoping, His plan was still in motion. I had been building my house in vain and guarding my little wall. God, on the other hand was taking each little brick down when I wasn’t looking. The foundation on which I had built was being shaken without me even knowing it. Finally, after many, many days of being frustrated, God showed me that He was working. The very thing that frustrated me has come to the forefront. The very thing that I had hoped for is coming to pass. At least it seems that way.
Sometimes, I think we are afraid God will take away the very things we hold on to so tightly. We watch over and guard the things that we believe we must have. But God doesn’t want us to hold on to things that are contrary to His character. I remember hearing somewhere, although I don’t remember where, that God pries our fingers off of the things we hold so dear until we offer Him open hands in praise. Then He can fill those hands with the things that He chooses to bless us with. God loves to bless His children, but we need to remain open and hopeful. I am so glad God doesn’t give up even when we have walked away. He continues to work when we are putting our efforts into things that are wasteful. He lets us go off and cool down while He continues on. He has a plan and He won’t give up until it is complete.