So, I had an enormous revelation today. I have been praying about something for months, not knowing what to do. I have desired to act one way but have found myself doing the very thing I did not want to do. I have been unkind and unloving. I have been angry (which I hate being) and unforgiving. All of the things I know I should not be, I have been. But today, I started my bible study. Beth Moore in “Stepping Up” talked about worship. She had us do an exercise where we literally get on our knees with our face to the floor and praise God. When I read what she wanted us to do, I realized that I have been so very prideful. I have not had a submissive heart at all. What I have done was explain away my actions without laying my struggle before the Lord. I have felt entitled to carry the anger and act as though I know what is best. Instead of submitting to the Lord, I have been in self-protection mode.
This was a huge step forward for me because I know that my relationship with God has not been right. I have kept my distance for fear that the Lord would ask me to do something difficult. Although I have not been angry at Him, I have settled for a mediocre, stagnant relationship. I read recently that when you have walked with God, then for a time step away from Him, you have this longing deep within your soul to return. That is how I have felt. I know that my relationship with Him has not been the best. It has not moved forward. I have stayed right where I am. My level of trust has not grown. And to be honest, it feels terrible. I just don’t like being here.
I guess the key to a growing relationship is moving forward. Each and every step of the way, God wants us to trust Him more. If I am not willing to put my pride aside and step out when He asks me to, then I don’t trust Him. My faith is in what I can see and not in the unseen. God is always at work even when I don’t see it. So, I need to lay my fears before Him, and He will give me the strength to do as He leads. I find comfort in the fact that God only leads me down a prepared path. He never allows me to go it alone. In fact, He goes before me. My only responsibility is to follow.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)
I read these verses this morning. They are underlined in my bible. I used to pray those words often because I truly wanted a pure heart. But lately, I have chosen to hold on to the things that would taint my heart and make me anxious. I appreciate the fact that David was so honest. This whole Psalm is about how God knows him from the inside out. He formed David and He formed me. David understood in the depths of His soul that God was for him and that He had David’s best interest at heart. He does the same for every one of us. He wants us to realize that He is always there and that He knows the deepest needs of our soul.
No one in this world will ever understand us like God does. David knew that. Perhaps someday I will have a firm grasp on that truth. Until then, I will continue on this journey. I will begin my day with worship so that I will remember my place. I know there will be more times than I want to count when my pride gets in the way, but I will continue on praying and believing that God knows what is best. Thank you Lord that you don’t leave us alone but that you continue to pursue us!